I just received my first set of instructions from my personal trainer, Chainsaw.  Yes Chainsaw is her name, and yes Chainsaw is a woman.

Indeed, I am starting slow. My first workout is to complete a short survey.  This I can handle.

Here goes.

1. What are my short term (30 days) goals?

I like this question, I did not expect to accomplish anything within 30 days.  But if Chainsaw says it is so, then my 30 day goal is to drop a few modest pounds but to mostly condition my heart for the real exercise onslaught to come.  In otherwords, I want to exercise without keeling over from a heart attack. (I really hope Chainsaw can manage that.)

2. When was the last time I had a physical? 

I need a physical? I am guessing this is just one of those legal disclaimer questions, but if Chainsaw shows up with a jar of petroleum jelly and starts putting on rubber gloves I am out of here! 

3. What are my personal reasons for working out? 

Ok, why am I starting a work out program?  She must mean besides being a source of inspirational humor for my friends. In all seriousness, I have a new born boy and I look forward to teaching him how to throw, to run, to ride a bike, maybe even how to do consecutive handsprings down a the Church aisle like John Belusi in the Blues Brothers.  We all know that dear John has long passed and I do want to avoid that part of it, but you get my drift when I say I want to get in good enough shape to be an active father for years to come. That’s a good enough reason for anyone right. Even Chainsaw. 

4. Which best describes the time when my energy level is highest?

a) Early Morning 4 AM to 8 AM

b.) Morning 8 AM to 12

c.) Mid Day 12  to 2

d) Afternoons 2 PM to 5PM

e) Evenings 5PM to 9 PM

Since there is no option for "None of the above" I would have to select b) Mornings, Not early mornings. Does Chainsaw even know that one man’s early morning could be another man's late night. 

5. Which of the options in question 4 best describes the time when my energy level is lowest?

I fear this is when Chainsaw will make me workout if I piss her off so I'll pick b) Mornings.   I know I already said this was my time of highest energy but maybe I am the same all day…or maybe this is just what I call defensive test taking.   

6. How many days a week can I work out for 30-60 minutes?

This really sounds like a trick question and I bet this has a big impact on reaching my 30 day goals. I am pretty confident that I will hear the phrase "the program will work if you do" more than once.  I hate that phrase. Why can someone design a workout program that works when you don't. How about, The South Park Potato Chip Diet and Workout Program.  You watch TV, eat ice-cream, pretzels and pizza and you get in great shape.  See, if only one of those know-it-all exercise guru's would come up with that kind of fitness program. This country would be in a lot better shape. I blame the whole obesity on their lack of fitness creativity. 

7. Do I have any existing injuries or affects from past injuries? 

Hmm, I do have a nagging wrist issue, carpal tunnel or something.  I am sure this is just from years of over-use. From typing, overuse of typing on my keyboard. C'mon, I am a writer. Oh grow up! 

On to the workout program!

I’ve been telling myself for months that it’s time to start working out again. I had a target date set around the first of May, when my newborn was a month old and my wife could start exercising with me.

It’s May 12th and I haven’t done a thing.

Why, I ask myself?

Fear. It’s as simple as that. At 41 now, the thought if over-exerting myself scares the hell out of me. Is my body ready for the cardio work? Is it too late to change?

I’ve never been a workout maven. In college and even out of college, I was always active, playing basketball, soccer, touch football, softball. so I could keep my weight under control. I would occasionally go a few weeks riding a stationary bike or a treadmill, but weight lifting was hardly ever in the picture. After breaking my fibula and tibia after getting smashed by a car in 2000, was something I avoided.

And one point I went on big walking binge, but I moved and the path I walked every night through a park and the beautiful neighborhood of University Park was gone. So were my walking days.

Sadly now I am probably pushing 215 pounds, up from the 180 pounds I carried two years ago. The frustration of not being able to button my shorts and jeans and having “man boobs” has gotten to me. I right in between short sizes for crying out loud.

So I’m taking the challenge in this blog. I will follow a workout plan given to me by a woman named Chainsaw. I will update my progress twice a week. Wish me luck!